Amile's Guide of How-to on Sports Jerseys

The three fastest-growing diseases in America today are diabetes, Lyme disease, and sports jerseys.

Wearing a jersey used to be for kids. You be Tom Brady and I'll be Darrelle Revis. Now people with actual jobs are wearing them. At 6, it's adorable. At 36, deplorable.

You can't swing your arms at an NFL game without hitting somebody in one. (A very good idea, by the way.)

You say it's your way of expressing devotion to your team? I say try a hat. It doesn't make you look like an adult Trick-or-Treater.

What's your jersey dream? Someone shrieking, "Oh, my God! There's Brian Urlacher! Oh, wait. No, no. It's just Justin from purchasing."?

Women in jerseys? Fine. But dude, you're really going out with another man's name on your back? Do you have no male pride?

But like gluten-free beer, the jersey flood seems un-damn-able. But can we at least have some rules?

Jersey Rule No. 1: You may not wear a jersey past age 29.

Exceptions:

a) You are immediately related to the person whose name is on the back.

b) You are the person whose name is on the back. (Team photo required.)

Jersey Rule No. 2: You may not wear a jersey without a shirt underneath it, especially NBA jerseys. We do not want to see your rash. Or your spare tire. Or your nipples. My God, people.

You may not, under any circumstances, wear a jersey AND a hat. Who are you, Tony Romo?

Jersey Rule No. 3: You may not wear a jersey if somebody else in your group is already wearing one. This is also known as The Fedora Rule. No two guys in any group can be wearing a fedora. The second man's fedora must be trashed, crushed or sold. You never saw Sinatra and Dean Martin wearing one, right?

Jersey Rule No. 4: You may not, under any circumstances, wear a jersey AND a hat. Who are you, Tony Romo?

Jersey Rule No. 5: You may not wear a jersey with your own name on it if you didn't wear it on a real team once. Please. Are you expecting Bill Belichick to look up in the stands and go, "Flanagan! Get in there at tailback!"?

Jersey Rule No. 6: You may not wear a jersey of a player who has been gone from your team for more than a year, unless that player is in the Hall of Fame or will be soon. I saw a guy Monday night at the New York Giants game wearing an Amani Toomer jersey. I believe Toomer is managing a Round Table pizza in Parsippany now. Buy anoth

er damn jersey, cheapskate.

Jersey Rule No. 7:If you have a nose tackle body, you must wear a nose tackle's jersey. We do not need to see your 385 pounds busting out of a DeSean Jackson jersey. It'sunseamly.

Jersey Rule No. 8: Absolutely no cutesy wrong-color jerseys. No pink Yankees jerseys. No camouflage Cowboys jerseys. And no new University of Maryland jerseys. They look like an explosion at a Benjamin Moore store.

Jersey Rule No. 9: No wearing NBA shorts with your NBA jersey at any time. Horrible. It makes you look like Red Klotz. (Corollary: Do not wear all-white to watch a tennis match, either. Pathetic.)

Jersey Rule No. 10: No wearing your jersey anywhere but a) to the stadium or b) home. Nobody at the urologist's office wants to talk about your Ray Lewis jersey.

If you still qualify under all these edicts, then you must sign these waivers before donning a jersey:

Jersey Waiver A: By wearing a jersey, you are waiving your rights to any sexual activity for the evening. No woman in history has ever said, "Oooh, that guy wearing the jersey of another man! That's hot!"

Jersey Waiver B: By wearing a jersey, you are waiving any semblance of coolness.

David M. BuckwalterRooting for your school is one thing. Wearing offensive shirts to root against Michigan is quite another.

"It's like going to a concert in the T-shirt of the band that's playing that night," says Ari Pillar, 29, who was wearing a simple, cool retro Giants T-shirt Monday night. "It's cooler to wear another band's T-shirt. But wearing a jersey of somebody you're watching? That's way high up the Dork Scale."

(A note on T-shirts: Enough cussing, especially those West F***in Virginia T-shirts that West Virginia fans are wearing. Your athletic director, Oliver Luck, was right. Show a little class. And Ohio State fans: No "Ann Arbor is a whore" T-shirts either. And, Wisconsin students, we've all seen 1,000 variations on "Huck the Fuskers" already. Try something original.)

Jersey Waiver C: By wearing a jersey, you are waiving any contact with the very person you're worshipping.

"Those are the guys we went out of our way to avoid in the autograph lines," says former Baltimore Ravens QB Trent Dilfer. "They were the ones who wanted your email address."

Jersey Waiver D: By wearing a jersey to a road game, you waive your right to a busted-free nose. Wearing a Lakers jersey to a Celtics game is like wearing an Obama T-shirt to a Dick Cheney book signing. Bring gauze.

"My wife tells me it's dangerous," says Giants fan Adam Herman, 31, who spoke from inside a Brandon Jacobs jersey. "But I do it. I wore it in Philly to an Eagles game. It was a little scary, but I got out OK."

Of course, you might not get out OK if you wear another team's jersey to Adam's house.

"Won't happen," he says. "If my friends come over in a Jets jersey, they're not getting in. They can just turn right around. No exceptions."

Adam, I'm begging you and all jerseyites out there: Rent, lease or purchase a life.

And it better not involve cowbells.

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ALL EYES ON VICK

 -- Michael Vick was spectacular Sunday, but you already knew he could do spectacular. A year ago, maybe, if he'd thrown two touchdown passes and rushed for 98 yards in the same game, it might have been big news. Instead, it's just Vick being Vick -- the game's most athletic quarterback showing off his inimitable ability to turn a busted or well-covered play into a 15-yard run for a first down.

But if you're a Philadelphia Eagles fan, what should make you happier than anything he did on the field is what Vick said after the Eagles' 31-13 victory over the Rams.

"The only thing I can dwell on right now is the stuff we didn't do well," Vick said. "I'm thankful for the victory, don't get me wrong. I just wish it could have been a little cleaner. But that's what it's about. It's work."

Vick sounded like a coach right there -- deflecting a question about how well he, DeSean Jacksonand LeSean McCoy looked in rolling up 404 yards of total offense against the Rams and talking instead of things that could have gone better. Didn't sound like the "Nobody can design an offense to stop me" guy from whom we've been hearing so much in recent interviews. That was aPeyton Manning kind of thing to say -- the part about wishing things had been cleaner. And it tells you a lot about where Vick is right now in his career and where he intends to go.

"In years past, he might have gone out there and played on athletic ability alone," Eagles guard Evan Mathis said. "But now they're giving him more responsibility, and the more responsibility he takes on, the better that makes him and the better that makes us."

For example: This year, Vick is allowed to call the offensive line protection -- and to change it up on a given play if he sees something in the defense that dictates that he should. That's new this year. It's something new offensive line coach Howard Mudd likes quarterbacks to be able to do, and Eagles head coach Andy Reid said it's part of Vick's continued development as a quarterback. Reid said the coaching staff loaded Vick up with tape and information on protection and opponent blitzes from last year and that Vick's lockout assignment was to study it. And once training camp started, Mathis said, there was a heavy emphasis on strategy and game plan, with Vick taking a leading role in the meeting rooms.

Sunday was the first real-game action since Vick began to take on all of this new responsibility, and there were a couple of times when it looked like a work in progress. Reid had to call a timeout in the first half when Vick appeared to call the wrong protection. But in general, the reviews were good.

"I think he did well with it," Reid said. "They threw a bunch of different looks at him and he was able to make some adjustments and handle it well, I thought."

Vick said his rushing-yards total was a direct result of the Rams' decision to send extra defenders after him. If there's a blitzing linebacker or defensive back for whom he's accountable, sometimes the best way to account for him is to take off and run. Vick obviously has an unusual ability to do that, and after the game he said he felt better and faster and quicker than he ever has before -- and that he'd welcome other teams to keep blitzing if that's what they feel is the best way to defend him.

"If teams want to do that each and every week, we have ways to stop it, and that's part of the reason I was able to run for 100 yards," Vick said. "It felt great just to know I can go out and play lights-out. I trained very hard this offseason, and I feel like I could play another four quarters right now."

Which has to be great for Vick, the Eagles and their fans to know. But even more encouraging has to be knowing how hard Vick has been working on the off-field aspects of his game -- at improving his craft and getting better at things that will make him a better quarterback and team leader.

"It's fun, studying all that and being out there working on picking up the blitz and trying to figure out what other teams are trying to do," Vick said. "We could have had more success with it than we did today, but it's only going to get better and help us as the season goes along."


We all know Vick can be spectacular. We've seen it for years, and we saw it again Sunday. There are plays that just look unfair sometimes -- plays when everyone is covered and the defense has done absolutely all it can do but Vick still just takes off and runs for the yards he needs. His physical ability isn't just something other teams can't stop -- it's something for which they can't practice, because they can't simulate his speed.

But the thing that will determine Vick's ultimate legacy as a quarterback is whether he views the position as a craft to be honed, and how hard he's willing to work at the mundane aspects of honing it. If he's committed to something like working in tandem with his offensive line, reading opposing defenses and calling the protections at the line, that means he's still willing and eager to develop as a quarterback, even at this stage in his career, and even in the wake of his big new contract.

And if you're an Eagles fan, that should be just as exciting as anything Vick did on the field Sunday.

New Orleans Saints vs Green Bay Packers Preview

An enormous banner not far from Lambeau Field features the last two Super Bowl MVPs -- Aaron Rodgers and Drew Brees.

Not too long ago, it was far from certain that this glamorous matchup of the past two Super Bowl champions would take place.

But a tumultuous offseason has finally given rise to this star-studded NFL season opener at Lambeau, with Rodgers and the Green Bay Packers taking on Brees and the New Orleans Saints on Thursday night.

"It's great to be able to celebrate the return of football. It was a rough offseason with the lockout," Rodgers said. "The fans, I'm sure, were wondering if there was going to be football."

The lockout created a mad scramble among the league's 32 teams to get ready for 2011. Those teams are all targeting Green Bay after Rodgers guided the franchise to its fourth Super Bowl title by throwing for nine touchdowns and 1,094 yards in the Packers' four-game postseason run.

"We're a confident bunch," wide receiver James Jones said. "We truly don't pay attention to who everybody gets, we truly don't care who everybody gets. We believe when we step on that field we're going to win the game, no matter who it is."

Coach Mike McCarthy is dealing with a new set of distractions for his defending champions, starting with the NFL's mammoth pregame concert with Kid Rock, Lady Antebellum and Maroon 5 -- stars not usually associated with small-town Green Bay.

"I think it's the highest compliment to your football team and your organization (to play in this game), but after the smoke clears and the celebration stops, it's a football game," McCarthy said. "This is a celebration for our fans. That's the way I look at it.

"I look forward to playing the Saints. This is the Packers versus the Saints. We're really focused on the game."

Brees and the Saints won't be awed by the festive atmosphere. This is the third time in five years they'll be playing in the league opener, having defeated Minnesota last year in New Orleans and losing at Indianapolis in 2007.

"We've experienced that from a home aspect standpoint, we've experienced it already as an away team," said coach Sean Payton, whose contract was extended through 2015 on Monday. "That first game always has that added excitement about it."

Brees put together his third straight season with at least 33 touchdowns in 2010, leading the NFC with 4,620 passing yards and helping New Orleans go 11-5 to return to the playoffs. The Saints, however, were stunned by Seattle in their first postseason game in their bid to repeat.

They know exactly what the Packers are going through this week.

"The emotions are high, obviously," Brees said. "The NFL does a lot in and around the game with media and the entertainment and all the stuff. It's the kickoff to the season, so the fans and everybody are excited to start the season.

"(If) you're the defending Super Bowl champs, they're going to unveil the flag saying they're the champs. It's a special feeling."

Brees tried to minimize the effect of the lockout by holding players-only workouts that reportedly were the best-attended among all teams.

"We got a lot of young guys ahead of the curve during that process so that walking into camp, it's not that big of a shock to them when they get the playbook and it's that thick and they haven't had a chance to really look at it," Brees said.

"I feel like we've been together because, in reality, we were together."

He'll get a chance to hand off to former Heisman Trophy winner Mark Ingram, drafted with the 28th overall pick. Ingram will replace another player who won the Heisman in Reggie Bush, who was traded to Miami.

The Packers went 10-6 for a wild-card berth last year, and they could be even better with some key players back healthy. Dynamic tight end Jermichael Finleyand starting running back Ryan Grant are among that group.

"The drive we've got in this locker room is amazing," Finley said. "I think this is going to be a special team right here."

It all starts with Rodgers, who finally put aside the doubts about whether he could replace Brett Favre by leading the Packers to the same amount of Super Bowl victories as the former legend.

"Whether we give or don't give different looks, Aaron Rodgers is a smart guy," Saints linebacker Jonathan Vilma said. "He'll figure it out before the end of the game."